(No responsibility disclaimer: Grow Parent Child cannot be held liable for users following any ideas, techniques or exercises stated in this blog as it is a personal blog intended to be a representation of a Growth Mindset Journal, not medical advice, or a substitute for professional diagnosis or treatment.)
It’s easy to get the wrong idea about parenting, most people without children see it as an easy “job” involving cupcakes, glitter, fancy dress parties…
Then when mother nature kicks in…
Does this baby outfit match the buggy? My outfit? The buggy bag? Possibly the dog?
… If I pick a woodland toy will that go with the nurseries jungle theme…
You’ve checked the hospital bag at least three times (that day) you’ve stock piled nappies, wet wipes and muslin cloths ready for lock down. Everything is in its right place, is spotlessly clean and your baby plan has been thought through and written to perfection, you have parenting books coming out of your ears, what could go wrong?
And then you go into labour and reality kicks in.
Parenting is not quite a simple as it’s made out to be, or how many parents portray it to be. It’s hard work, it tests you to your limits in every sense. I have lost count of how many people have said to me “If people knew what they were getting into before they had a baby, the human race would die out, because no one would have a baby”
Such a sad statement but unfortunately true for many parents who feel they have been tricked into parenthood by unrealistic expectations and now find themselves stuck for a good couple of decades living a life they feel is wrong for them.
One major issue in my view is the heavy bias towards putting children’s needs over and above the needs of others in every circumstance:
-They need “love when they least deserve it” you must have the patience of a saint to let them express their emotions regardless of your own.
-They need to be fed the best nutrition at the right times and the right portion size.
-They need to be given a wide range of (expensive) activities to help them learn and grow.
-They need the best clothes, equipment and toys.
-They need a structured routine and lifestyle that suits their personal needs.
These statements are all valid to some degree but what about me?
Now that might seem like a selfish statement, but seriously I am being expected as a parent to provide all of that and more for 2 decades without pay, sick days or time for myself.
To be undervalued and depersonalised by society, to be seen as having plenty of free time with nothing better to do and have my employability value steadily decrease.
If that was a job description (Carer, Maid, Chef, Laundry Assistant, Activities Coordinator, Taxi (Buggy) Driver, Teacher…)
Who would sign up for that?
“Well you should have thought about that before you had children, you made your decision” is the general response.
But why does is have to be like that? Why do we feel we have to be slaves to our children? It’s not good for them and its not good for us, it’s an unbalanced relationship.
Yes we have to put our children first for important decisions but not every decision. We are just as human as our children and have our own needs for our age and stage of development. It seems mad to me that we are pushing a growth mindset and a balanced lifestyle for our children and forgetting that children learn best from copying behaviour.
As parents we are becoming too overbearing, hovering around our children focusing and nit picking their behaviour and development. Maybe we should spend more time focusing on our own. The more we push ideas on them, the more they resist and rebel. Children mirror parents from birth, the more we lead and model positive behaviour the more they naturally follow without resistance.
By undervaluing ourselves as parents and being indecisive for fear of “getting it wrong” we are actually modelling negative behaviour. We want our children to be strong, confident and independent. The only way we can teach them this is by being strong, confident and independent.
We need to look after ourselves and have our own lives and goals, not as a selfish act, not as something to be seen as tagged on if we have time, but as a core part of being a parent. Our children will eventually grow up and may become parents themselves. What are we teaching them by giving up on ourselves and our own dreams?
They are only young once, yes that’s true and its important to be an active parent who is present and loving. But there is never a good time to pursue your dreams, as children grow older if you don’t make a stand demands on financial resources, time and emotional energy are still there. Where does that leave you?
Now maybe for some parenting is the one thing they have always wanted to do, they love every aspect of it and have no desire to do anything else. I respect that and that has enormous value to them and their children.
But if there is an itch to try something new or start up a business by ignoring it and saying when I have more time or when the kids are older, how can that not make you resentful, dissatisfied and wanting to escape your responsibility’s as a parent to get 5 minutes peace?
In order to be the best parent I can be I need to be able to grow and develop myself, I need to accept that although I have unconditional love for my children its OK not to like them 100% of the time. Sometimes they really do make me very angry, sad or embarrassed and that’s normal. It’s only when we hide and feel ashamed of those emotions that they become a problem. We teach our children all emotions are acceptable, why should it be any different for parents?
What we do need to control is our reactions to those strong emotions. The only way we can control our actions is by admitting and accepting that our emotions exist. Once we really understand what behaviour and environments trigger these emotional responses in both ourselves and our children then we can work on ways to control those behaviours and respond appropriately.
If we constantly put on a strained smile, pray our children will behave and go around in fear of our children’s emotional outbursts we miss out on developing strong emotional relationships with them. Instead of treading on eggshells and devising escape plans power struggles can be seen as learning opportunities for parent and child development
Grow Parent-Grow Child
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Useful Groups
Lincoln PANDA’s Support Group (Pre & Post natal depression and anxiety):
https://www.facebook.com/search/top/?q=lincoln%20pandas%20support%20group
https://www.home-start.org.uk/
https://www.lincolnshire.gov.uk/parents/family-support/
My Growth Mindset Journal 